Get Some Exorcise

Demons are one of my favourite monsters, Zombies are my first love, but a demon could tempt me away.

Especially if they had chocolate.

That’s the thing about demons, they are MADE to be tantalising. Imagine that thing you’ve always wanted, now imagine if money/time/space was no object, NOW imagine if you didn’t have as many scruples and would actually go for it, the end result is the kind of thing you can expect a demon to offer you, they’re THAT good!

Obviously this is what makes them so damn dangerous, unless you’re VERY good at avoiding temptation (Always stick to your diets, never put things off till later, going to bed at a decent time instead of staying up to watch just one more cat video on YouTube, that kind of thing) you’re essentially screwed.

Demons find ways of working out what’s in your head, your heart and your genitals if required so that they know the best way of wheedling out what they’re REALLY after.

No one’s sure of exactly why, but demons want one thing, your soul.

Now we all know that not all demons answer to Satan, not every culture in the world is Christian and not every culture denies the existence of demons either. So it’s safe to assume a lot of demons out there either work for someone else, or they’re freelance.

Working for someone else it’s easy to work out the reasoning. Someone wants a soul, either yours or anyone’s. If it’s yours then the resulting logic is easy. Who hates your guts and wants your soul ripped out of some bodily orifice? Bingo.

As to why I’m sure that’ll be a less interesting question than ‘How do I get them INTO the giant shredder?’

Well for me it would be, but I am a poor loser.

In cases like this you may be able to get the demon on your side, even if only for a limited time. All you have to do is work out how the original employer got the demon to agree to work for them (like hell they’ll tell you outright, heheheh, hell) and then offer something better that the demon wants.

“Is that….a cabbage patch doll?!?”

Now I have to warn you, this comes with its own disadvantages.

The most obvious one is that they’re going to want something you really don’t want to give up, your soul, (even if you’re an atheist who doesn’t believe in souls, do you really want to see what happens if you’re proved wrong?) some important body part (who needs a liver anyway? …oh) or that old favourite, the first born son/child (well, I don’t think it’d bother me, mainly because I don’t have kids, but they always find a way to screw you over that too).

Of course if you’re smart about it, you can trick them, but you’d have to be VERY smart! Like saying you’ll give the demon the fruit of your loins, then after the job’s done pass him that wart on your thigh that’s been bothering you for years.

Not a bad idea, except demons are EXPERTS at this kind of switcheroonie, as such they are also extremely skilled at spotting when someone’s about to do the dirty on them, so you’d have to ensure you’ve got some damn good acting skills as well.

Either way, if you can work out how to fool the demon into taking your side and get away without losing too much, then you’re pretty much home free. Let old Mr No-Vowels do the dirty work while you rest easy in the knowledge that you’d make a pretty good store level manager.

Of course if the demon’s original employer was Satan himself or similar, you’re essentially fucked. Seriously, if you’ve managed to annoy someone of that calibre you’re gonna need some major help, some major brains or have a shitload to lose!

A demon working for a bigger demon or indeed, for himself will be after you, soul, internal wobbly bits and all. What he intends for all this humanoid mush, can be guaranteed to be….messy…at best.

This isn’t a demon, just typical PMS symptoms, but they’re similar enough it seemed relevant at the time.

At worst it’ll get messier as time goes by and a LOT of time will go by!

Seriously, it’ll be like watching an endless loop of The Only Way Is Essex, forever! Well I assume it’d be different for other people but personally that’d drive me bonkers in a half-second.

To avoid this, you need to either challenge him to a game, wager or competition you KNOW you can beat him at (bearing in mind your opponent will have demon powers at their disposal) or tempt them into having something else.

To be fair this may be how the human employers got stuck with the demons in the first place, so it may not be the best bet.

Never forget that demons can generally kick everybody’s ass when it comes to bets etc., the things we think we’re the best in the world at a demon would consider pretty crap.

You can fit a hundred marshmallows in your mouth at once? A demon would most likely stretch its mouth to fit a billion or two, just to rub it in.

And that’s just one example; god knows what happened to the people who challenged the demons to sex games.

You may live if you kiss me, with tongues!

Of course there’s also the problem of what to do when you’ve got a demon onside, even those who’ve managed to tempt a demon with a bribe won’t have it easy.

Really the only way to truly escape a demon’s clutches is to get the big guns in, if you’re fighting a satanic demon, smash that fucker’s face in holy water, smack him with a cross as soon as you see the horns. If he doesn’t work with Satan, find a conveniently placed vat of acid and drop him in. If you believe all the batman enemy backstories out there there’s more than you realise out there just waiting for a demon to be popped in.

If all of that doesn’t work then you’ll just have to find a way to run for it, or deal with eternal torment. Or take up a life as a demon hunter, which always seems to involve bad leather and facial hair for some reason…

If you don’t fancy that and you were aiming for monsterhood anyway, you could just let your inner demons loose and move to Finland where if you can’t beat them, you can join them.

All In Good Spirit

This post I’m going to look at ghosts, just so we’re clear, that thing from Paranormal Activity (as well as being a comedy genius) is actually a demon. A couple of the characters even mention it as a demon so he won’t be involved in this talk.

Maybe another one but we’ll see.

Also, I don’t count poltergeists as spirit type ghosts, which are the ones I’ll be talking about here. Spirits are not solid and don’t have the physical presence to move things, poltergeists are known for it. I’ll go into more detail later unless I get distracted by something shiny.

So, ghosts. Also known as spirits.

For the vast majority of spirits, there isn’t a lot to be worried about. Many ghosts are actually in a category which means you’re watching a rerun of someone’s life.

These ghosts are known as stone tape ghosts because of a theory that suggests certain buildings and areas can ‘record’ instances of extreme emotion, such as that expressed when someone dies, especially if it’s violent like a murder.

Not one of these ghosts will react to you, attack you or indeed acknowledge your existence. That’s because they’re just like a broken record or that scene in Star Wars where R2-D2 keeps repeating the same section of message from the princess.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, I’m stuck in a loop

Basically these guys can scare you as much as horror films on telly can. They don’t know you’re watching even if they turn to face the camera on occasion and they won’t stop what they’re doing just because you want them to. Not unless you really ARE just watching a horror movie, then you can just press the standby button…unless it’s the ring, then you’re fucked.

So if you think you’re looking at a ghost, but it doesn’t react to you and appears to be doing some simple little ritual, don’t be too bothered. If it’s freaking you out you can just get your ass out of there quick as you like and nothing is going to chase you, so don’t fret.

Or you can stay and watch what happens. It won’t necessarily be nice, I warn you now, but it will not be able to hurt you. Whatever seems to be happening has already happened. You can’t change the past and the dead aren’t allowed to kill the living.

As Granny Weatherwax once said, we’d all be outnumbered for a start.

So on this level you’re ok. Nothing to fear except some possible future therapy after having witnessed a hundred year old murder. Nothing to fret over.

Then we’ve got the second class of spirits (not second class sprits, cos that’d just be mean to segregate everyone after they’ve died!) who are a little more active.

These spirits are people who’ve died, but for whatever reason haven’t ‘crossed over’, ‘gone into the light’ or whatever phrase you’d like to use for visiting that old cinema in the sky, where if you’re good you get star wars marathons and if you’re bad you have to watch two and a half men forever (give or take each person’s personal preferences of course).

The people who become this type of ghost haven’t changed their personality through dying. They just happen to be dead now.

Essentially a human made of gas if you like, and I don’t mean the Go Compare guy.

But I want a stuffed Meerkat!

Basically, they can’t touch things and they can’t REALLY affect living people. They can however, take strength from human emotions.

Most specifically fear.

Many ghost stories feature people being terrified by ghosts, then the ghost appears satisfied and disappears. So they want you scared, and we all know how energy works so why not some form of nourishment or power for the ghosties?

Well it made sense to me.

Anywho.

Most spirits who retain their living personalities seem to be of the mischievous type. They like the old jump scare type fun. Wait until you’re not paying attention, and then do something to make you go ‘HOSHIZMYHEARTJUSTSTOPPED!!!’ Such as making a loud noise or scaring the pets into a sudden barking frenzy.

Now in my experience and my personal beliefs, if you can laugh something like that off, you aren’t going to have many more paranormal activities or at least, nothing worse.

If however you have your heart thumping in your chest, your breath coming in short bursts and a cold sweat trickling down your forehead, then is it really a surprise that said ghost then thinks ‘ooh a reaction…I like this!’

It’s at this point that the activity escalates. In this respect ghosts can be kind of like children. You want to tell your child off for doing something naughty, but he did it in a funny way, so you’re laughing as you tell them off, the child gets a reaction they like and continue the behaviour even if you’ve tried to make it clear that behaviour isn’t desirable.

Basically, they enjoyed that and will be doing it again to get the same level of fun all over again, cause who doesn’t love a good scare right?

Oh yeah, this guy didn’t seem to enjoy it much…

Anyway, as the scares continue so the activity increases. Temperature drops and raises, little noises become full on words and moans and the more you react, the more life-like the spirits become.

Of course by that I mean they can manifest themselves to people in a form they remember, an image of how they used to look when alive. It’d be a bit pointless dead people being able to essentially come to life again.

Although I suspect the movie Ghost wouldn’t have been as interesting without the ability to bend the rules a little.

Basically the more you react the more the spirit in question will act up. They get their energy from you, the living person (well, I assume you’re alive).

The bad side is if you react with fear and hatred towards the spirit, you’re more likely to get back what you give and get no peace at all.

The good side is the opposite is also true. Try to establish good connections (without giving too much of yourself away obviously) and remember that this is a human you’re dealing with. A dead human yes but that doesn’t mean they turned into space aliens just by the process of passing over.

An element of caution is a good thing whenever you’re dealing with something you don’t know. So before dealing with spirits, look into ways to protect yourself or make a decision whether or not this is something you can handle alone.

I would be the first to say don’t EVER tackle anything form the spirit world without consulting experts first, there’s a lot more out there than just human spirits and many of them aren’t the friendliest.

That git ate all the pies!

Oooh shiny, NO! I was going to talk about poltergeists! Thank goodness for that I nearly forgot.

Ghosts gain momentum in their hauntings to the point where, yes they MAY be able to eventually move items.

These will either be small/easy to move items when it’s possible to see them moving or record what’s happening, or these will be big things just when you DON’T have your camera/someone prepared to hang around in that creepy attic room long enough for it to happen.

I swear some ghosts are internet trolls in potentia.

But that’s generally (not always) the extent of a ghost’s power.

Poltergeists are not the same thing.

While a ghost is a human (or animal, it happens) that has passed on and a part of them has stayed behind, a poltergeist is not necessarily the same.

Most poltergeists (again, not all) were never human. Or to be more accurate, they were never one particular human that died.

Poltergeists are what happen when enough energy collects to give something real moving power. By that I mean they can fuck your shit up and throw stuff around and there is not much you can do about it.

Because the problem with poltergeists is that they are less in need of reactions from living humans to do what they do. Because they’re energy source is either something spirit based (like leftover emotions or spirit energy from could-have-been ghosts) or it’s based off an event in the human world (the most commonly seen being when a child hits puberty, not fun for anyone).

There ARE a few different ways of dealing with poltergeists, the most common being really going to town with disturbing their quiet time. Seriously when old tribes used to wear weird masks on their heads and dance around clattering pots and pans, there was a reason for that!

The best way to tick the feck out of a poltergeist is to play it at its own game. Go into EVERY SINGLE corner and make a noise, clap your hands, play guitar, get the cat to sing ‘all you need is love’ anything that’s loud and disruptive.

If you’ve got quiet hidden areas in the house of course energy will collect there, like spider webs growing. You can’t see that little buggers at it but you go to store your old ninja turtles comic collection and there it is waiting to smack you in the face with mama spider’s leftovers.

Thanks for that.

The noise is the equivalent of a duster going in these corners, a bit of airing, light; noise means these areas are cleared of negative energies, at least for a while. Some people prefer smudging but it means the same thing, the spiritual ‘dusting’ of the area in question.

Of course the other option requires less effort but does require an iron will, it basically involves ignoring the problem.

No literally, when a cupboard falls down the stairs DO NOT REACT. It’s like a child acting up to get a reaction, you don’t react, and they know they aren’t getting what they want from you. Just pick up whatever’s fallen with an ‘oh well’ air, pop things back where they belong and carry on with what you were doing in the first place.

Unfortunately it may prompt things to happen over and over again till the poltergeist gets the message, but stay firm and it should eventually disappear altogether.

Who you gonna call? Well…the insurance company, duh!

Again, the BEST course of action is to get a professional in to help you out with ANY kind of ghostly encounters causing you problems, but at the end of the day, there is nothing that can physically harm you if you don’t allow it to.

Except for Justin Bieber, no one knows WHAT the hell brought that into our world!

Werewolves in the House

Werewolves are a little hard to classify, mainly because there are two different schools of thought regarding the changes they go through.

One school (we’ll call them St Wilberforce’s) believes that when a person changes into a supernatural wolf, they become a slavering, mindless beast hell bent on destruction and gore.

The other (Crumleys sounds good) believes that werewolves are people in wolf bodies. The body of a large vicious creature, but with a human mind controlling the action.

Personally I’m on the fence as to which is true, but either way you have a good chance of avoiding injury if you know what you’re doing.

First off, the St Wilberforce’s theory. So you have a person, who through no fault of their own (unless they’ve gone ahead and performed some kind of magical ritual to gain shape shifting abilities) turns into an animal once a month (not unlike normal women then).

Although many people may assume this’ll turn you into a Wes Craven wet dream, let’s just take a moment to look at what we’re ACTUALLY dealing with here.

These people, once human, are becoming a form of wolf. Now while wolves are a long way off from that friendly, yappy little Pomeranian that lives down the road, they are also a long way from that John Landis movie we all know and love so much (If you can’t name that movie you should be ashamed! ASHAMED I say!)

In many werewolf movies, the recently turned creatures are slavering beasties LOOKING for people to maim.

How many wolves do you know actively seek out human activity?

Which fricking fork do I use first?!?

Now let’s just discount elderly/feral wolves for a moment simply because most werewolves seem to be killed off by some do-gooder with a flamethrower and silver bullets in most movies. Also, if there’s no more humanity in them, how could they be feral? What are they going to remember that wouldn’t, leave them at least a little human and therefore able to problem solve to a certain extent?

In the wild, if an animal KNOWS there’s a more successful predator with the power to kill it nearby, it’s not going to try crossing paths anytime soon unless it has no other choice. It just doesn’t make sense to a creature trying to survive long enough to produce children, to go wandering into danger when local resources don’t require it.

Yes foxes steal from farmers often even with other resources available, but we’re not here to start the whole fox hunting debate again, this is about werewolves. Keep it real people!

So say someone who lives alone turns. Well then the first issue is, how in the hell is he going to operate doors or windows without opposable thumbs? Yes he/she’s stuck in an enclosed space with the smell of human everywhere, but it’ll soon become clear that no human is actually present. Therefore no immediate danger.

In this situation most animals would nom on whatever seems edible at the time, possibly take ownership of a few items (i.e., pee on stuff) or, once they realise they’re fairly safe, curl up and fall asleep. Or play with those custom made plushies and one of a kind beanie babies you spent hours trawling EBay for.

The curse of a werewolf is a harsh one indeed.

Of course if they’re trapped in a hostile situation (i.e., a parent/spouse dinner party) when the inevitable occurs. Ok so you’re an animal with fangs and suddenly you’re in a situation where you REALLY need to use them.

Or do you?

The initial reaction of most people upon seeing something dangerous is to move the hell BACK. Get behind something, avoid being within biting distance etc. Or else to freeze solid and maybe let out small squeaking noises.

Now a wolf, in a dangerous situation, will want to get out of it ASAP. If everyone has conveniently moved back from the snarling beast then chances are they’ve opened up a doorway or similar escape route where said beasty can lunge for freedom and run like the wind.

Lots to explain in the morning but for now, hooray! No casualties! Result.

If said escape route is unavailable then yes, you face a big problem from all those teeth, but you’d have to be pretty stupid (or else a wannabe dog whisperer) to stay in a room with an increasingly angry canine that just got dumped in some strange place with a big alpha predator in their personal space.

who’s learning to rollover NOW motherfucker?

Again, it’s unlikely you’d hang around long enough to get hurt THAT badly. Maybe nibbled a bit.

Maimed at worst really.

Anywho, a wolf is a wolf and will not think like a human. If you think you have a werewolf in the vicinity and you are an alumni of St Wilberforce’s then you just start studying those David Attenborough books like there’s no tomorrow!

Now, Crumleys, Arguably a bit more boring. Yes it must be nice having a new body but…what exactly would you DO with it? For one it’ll only change once a month (Yes, I am of the ‘only at the full moon’ opinion) but then what?

Well for a start, if you’re up in your room, you’re fucked.

Seriously how are you going to open all those doorknobs with paws? No opposable thumbs means that unless you’ve done some major redecoration when you started your new double life, you’re going to be spending a LOT of time indoors.

But hey, how often could that happen right? You’re a smart man/woman/hermaphrodite.

All it takes is a little planning and you never have to do battle with the doorknob of evil ever again.

All you have to worry about is every fucker else.

Seriously, EVERY fucker!

You meet random humans on the street? Better hope they don’t phone the pound, you are a big scary dog now.

You meet drunk people? Have fun with that new nose!

You pass any kind of canine on your travels; well have fun being the odd one out. Turns out there are more ways to piss off a dog than there are teeth in a dog’s mouth.

Which you may well become very well acquainted with. Because let’s face it, how many lone wolves do you REALLY see?

Wolves are pack animals; dogs come from wolves and are still pack animals.

Wolves in the wild don’t enjoy being alone, they don’t feel big and proud; they think ‘shit, if a bear comes along I am SO fucked!’

So what does a lone wolf do besides look desperately for an easy kill? Looks for other wolves of course.

What’s the point in being a big strong male wolf if you can’t pass on your genes? And how can you do that without a lady wolf? Or at least a wolf of questionable virtue, your choice.

The same for females, why live alone, hoping for rabbits, leftovers and random rubbish piles when you can get help from a load of big burly males in exchange for producing big healthy babies?

Now you may wonder why this affects you, a human in a wolf’s body. Well, as said before, you could well meet animals while you’re out (if you’ve avoided the door knobs) and they WILL be interested in you for a number of reasons.

Reason number 1. You’re a predator. No not that dude from the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, just a bigass creature to fear.

OMIGOD I was supposed to be beach ready by now!!

Thing is, some small furry animals who spot predators will take against you. Not because you’re big and scary, but because you’re SUPPOSED to be big and scary, yet you’re not acting like you’re supposed to.

This gives the smaller animal an apparent advantage. Here is an evil predator creature (maybe he’d name you Grasnor the Evil?) that appears to be quite quite mad. Now while humans might feel an altruistic need to help a poor unfortunate soul, animals take a more selfish view.

It can best be described as ‘The big mean predator is in a bad situation? Oh this is going to be fun!’

If you’ve ever seen an owl in the daylight when a flock of smaller birds has found where it’s roosting you may well have some idea of what to expect from the smaller creatures. As well as that you’ve got things like cats and other dogs that are going to be freaked out by your appearance and immediately advertise your presence to everyone in the nearby vicinity by hissing, barking and howling at you at every opportunity.

By doing this they hope to keep you as far away as possible and also advertise you whereabouts to everyone else, thus preventing you from staying too long when you find you can’t hunt anything.

Reason 2. The Pepe Le Pew effect. Better get used to a dog’s nose up your ass.

Reason 3. They’re going to want to check you out, either as a potential friend, fuckbuddy or enemy. Each of these scenarios needs to investigated thoroughly and if you won’t play the game, well there’s gotta be something wrong with you and that won’t make you any friends in the animal world.

So, unless you have some way of avoiding being picked up by the local dogcatcher, you’re going to be moving around a lot. That shouldn’t be a problem though right? Well, how long could YOU go without food or water?

Wolves in the wild use all their senses and instincts to find food, water and possible sexytimes. You were, until recently, a human being. Used to having pretty much everything handed to you on a plate.

Seriously if your biggest problem lately has been ‘do you think Jim fancies me or is he gay?’ Then you are royally screwed.

Do you think you could get over your human hang-ups enough to start chewing on that gristly bit of meat in next doors bin?

Well if you’ve been dieting a lot as a human and suddenly find yourself as a wolf that’s just been through some major physiological changes (all of which requires body fuel) and you think you can just go for a run around the block?

Well if you’re used to doing a full day’s work without any breakfast, then not eating a scrap of food or taking a real drink of water all day, then running home again, you may be able to manage as a wolf just running around.

Of course that’s assuming you can get used to your new body. As the fantastic Rick Baker shows, there are a lot of differences between humans and wolves to deal with.

http://youtu.be/n9QPouW-XZ4

Doesn’t look quite so easy and restful as other films might have you believe.

Basically, whatever school of thought you adhere to, if you become a werewolf your best bet is probably to invest in easy to use technology for entertainment, prepare some snacks and a bowl of mountain dew or similar drink for nourishment and then, well, just do what you always do. Only in a wolf’s body.

No matter how you look at it, there will be just as many, if not more constraints as a wolf than as a human. And unless you live in an incredibly isolated location you’re going to have both animals AND humans trying to work out what’s so weird about this new dog in whatever way they deem best at the time.

It isn’t easy being a werewolf, but we all have to learn to live with the hand we’ve been dealt.

Personally I would be the BEST doggy-chocolate-thief in the world but that’s just me.

I SMELL COCOA POWDER!!!!!!

Why Vampires Are Bastards

First of all, we need to establish a few ground rules.

Number one, in fact the ONLY rule, vampires do NOT sparkle!

This is not a debatable option for the mythological fantasy creature, looking like you’ve been dipped in glitter was NEVER a part of the history of vampires EVER.

No. Just…NO.

Not to mention that I personally feel Twilight is the worst thing to happen to vampires, good writing, the movie industry and the world in general ever since it appeared.

Really if I wanted to listen to some self-absorbed idiot moan about first world problems then obsess over some man I’d just read the reader’s opinions in the local paper.

But I digress.

Vampires, real vampires, are vicious, bloodthirsty creatures with one thing on their mind. And it is not your affections.

They are very interested in your heart…but not in the way Twilight or Vampire Diaries would have you think.

They want your blood, they don’t want your donor card first and they don’t really care how they get it out of you.

Think about it, all you meat eaters out there, how many of you go out of your way to ensure your cow is treated like a queen right up until they’re introduced to the big meadow in the sky? Vampires think the same way.

You are the metaphorical cow. As far as a vampire is concerned, you’re nothing more than a walking entrée and the fact that you can talk and emote and even get the high score in Pac-Man means nothing to them.

You are food.

Knowing this is half the battle.

Because vampires are tricky beasties. History has taught us that what can look like a sauve, sophisticated man, willing to whisk you off to his exotic castle in the Carpathian countryside is actually just going to munch on your jugular and give you the mother of all hangovers.

Vampires, unlike zombies, are not necessarily corpses. While zombies are reanimated dead flesh, vampires can be turned without dying. It’s merely another evolutionary state, your digestive system is rewired to digest blood and bugger all else, your teeth get a bit more badass (and if you believe the movies, whiter than those seen in a Colgate ad) and you gain the ability to look pretty damn good in a cape.

sexy and he knows it

The whole shape changing issue is a tricky one, but easy to work out. It’s all a question of mass. How in the hell does something the size of a tall, possibly muscular human become something the size of a wolf? There’s a hell of a lot more human then wolf so the result would be one big ass dog.  The average size of a Grey Wolf is roughly 41-63 inches long and 32-34 inches at the shoulder. So to be a typical sized wolf the vampire would need to be about three foot tall to begin with. Not very intimidating.

European wolves, on average, weigh around 85 pounds, human males (simply because most vampires from the early years were men) weigh around 163-183 pounds. So the resulting wolf after a transformation, would be the size of a large Great Dane with one hell of a weight problem.

A bit noticeable everywhere except maybe Raccoon City, but they’ve got their own problems.

Then there’s turning into a bat. Bats I can understand and it’s the plural that’s important here. One bat would, again, have to be fricking huge! Screeching ‘I’m Batman’ might keep anyone from noticing the danger until too late, but sooner or later someone’s going to realise Batman never wore fur or had big, twitchy ears listening for sonar readings.

Sooner if he tries this at Comic-Con.

However, all that mass split between a number of small bodies (although how you’d rip yourself apart I don’t know) would make more sense. Even though the huge amount of sensory information from all those small creatures might send people mad, a vampire has more chance of handling the info overload.

Next, vampires WILL take advantage of your humanity. You see a familiar face, your brain releases endorphins and goes ‘Yay! Friend! Let’s talk about that time we got so wasted we desecrated that Transylvanian tomb and got bitten by some rabid bats! What fun we had!’ As you’re arms open to receive your friend into a warm hug, they go flying even further because you’re best buddy has just ripped them off so he can nom on your throat with the greatest of ease.

They will however pretend that they’re just as they used to be, the old friend/sibling/fuckbuddy you used to know. Well they’re not. They want your blood and they’ll use any wile and scheme they can to get it out of your veins and into their mouths…or a martini glass if it’s THAT type of vampire.

Thing is, what True Blood, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and so  many other vampire shows/movies lie about, is the whole vampires and sex issue. As many (hopefully all) of you know, to maintain an erection a man must have a steady blood flow pumping though his penis to stay hard, otherwise it’s going to be a little bit awkward to enjoy the horizontal mambo with your undead partner.

This is where vampires are a little screwed (if you’ll excuse the pun).  Being undead, they have often been described as having no heartbeat. No heartbeat, no blood flow, no reverse cowgirl for YOU young man!

So when a vampire tells you how gorgeous you are, how he wants you to join him in his lair, he isn’t talking about the sex dungeon. He does honestly just want to get into your pants….and nip your femoral artery with his canines.

Darling you look deliciou…errr beautiful

Basically it’s the whole humans-as-cows argument again. Except for certain fetishes, food and sex are generally two separate things. One thing you eat, the other you do. With humans the line can get a little blurry, with vampires, who have to survive on only one food source, there’s no time to wonder if you have feelings for your lunch.

You’re tasty, in interesting packaging and often as not wander right into the simplest of traps. We’re practically happy meals to these creatures.

Sooner or later, someone will have enough excuses to go gallivanting across the country, hunting vampires and getting justice for lost loves, murdered families or stolen newspapers, the usual vampire hunting reasons.

But until then you will need to avoid being the local count’s chew toy. Therefore, your best bet is to find somewhere with big, strong shutters, far from the local castle and wherever possible near a garlic patch.

Considering that the vampire mythology has been around in countries that never heard of Christianity, I wouldn’t trust too much in crucifixes if I were you. Just remember, they now produce UV lights which SYNTHESISE SUNLIGHT.

Perhaps the reason vampires are so popular at the moment is because they know we don’t have to wait for dawn to turn them into screeching piles of dust, which could then be dealt with by a quick run with the hoover. Sorted.

Zombies: How Not To Do It

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First off, do not cover yourself in barbeque sauce or any other condiment then dance tantalisingly in front of said zombies singing about how you enjoy shuffling every day.

Much as it might get you in good with impressionable young ladies, it’s much more likely that you’ll miss the second group of zombies moving towards your flank in a pincer movement. Then you’ve got nobody else to blame young man!

Which introduces us to the main reason people die during a zombie apocalypse (or at least the main reason as I see it, but then it is my blog so hush up).

Basically, over confidence during a zombie outbreak WILL kill you.

It’s one thing to say that you’re fit and healthy, you know how to wrestle from your years at the gym and whatnot, but does that mean you’d survive the outbreak?

Well let’s have a look at a classic and favourite of mine, George A Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. The original, no ridiculous remakes here please!

So our three protagonists are situated in a convenient mall they’ve managed to secure, they may have lost one of their friends earlier in the movie but at least they have all the Pic N Mix they could possibly want.

Then they start to get complacent, it’s all too easy to just sit and wait now. Great if you have a book fetish and happen to be trapped in a library, not so good if the only form of entertainment is travel scrabble.

If you’re constantly trying to avoid being devoured by flesh hungry creatures, you HAVE to constantly up your game. It’s all about survival, preparation, training, learning how to identify the enemy and so on.

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Not the flesh eating kind, but don’t look too long into his eyes!

Realizing this, the token female of the group asks to be taught to use a helicopter they managed to escape with at the start of the film.

Helpful as this is for entertainment purposes it also gives the survivors more pilots for a possible getaway vehicle should they need it. Wise thing to do.

Unfortunately this is a horror movie and they’ve been doing too well for too long. A local biker gang spot the  helicopter and spot the opportunity for some fun.

These are the very people who prove my point in the case of this film.

One of the original survivors comments that the gang, now coming to raid the mall, must have survived on the road since the zombies appeared. In this time they have gathered a fair few members, amassed a good amount of weapons and seem to have adequate petrol to keep a lot of bikes, vans and other vehicles running.

So obviously, these people aren’t stupid…or else they are and they have enough luck to clean up at the casinos they pass along the way.

Either way though, there’s a nice big place full of resources ready for the taking. So why not? Well because the gang have made a fatal mistake. They’ve assumed that because of their numbers, cocky swagger and typical weaponry skills this’ll be a piece of cake.

When you’re up against humans who can gauge an enemy’s strengths and weaknesses, a bit of swagger is a good thing. Lowering your opponent’s confidence is half the battle. However when your enemy is a mindless eating machine hell bent on passing on an undead disease, swagger is just so much side salad to your spare ribs.

The result can be seen at this link  or you could just read on (warning, either way, lots of gore and people nomming). 

Basically the bikers fight their way to the doors, fling them WIDE open, then proceed to loot and destroy all the stores they can reach before having fun with the zombies involving hitting them with sledgehammers, cream pies to the face and shoving them onto the floor.

now this makes for some hilarious viewing right up until the point the bikers want to leave again. See, while they were busy grabbing money, jewellery and other now useless items, the zombies have been closing in on the area with all the commotion.

now, sledgehammers CAN be a good weapon against the walking dead, destroying the brain and all that, unfortunately because they’re doing it for fun the gang aim for body shots, they do the same with the guns they’re carrying. Body shots would be great if you weren’t firing them at what are essentially corpses with delusions of grandeur.

It is unknown how the cream pies affected the zombie digestive system but it’s doubtful whether or not it would’ve helped the bikers even if given time.

Eventually the original survivors start fighting back at the invaders, they’re not the best shots but then they don’t need to be. Even with one of the bikers (The amazing Tom Savini, who incidentally did special effects and make up work on this and many other horror films) fighting back, it’s a losing battle to fight two sharpshooters who’ve been living the easy life for the past couple of months and a horde of increasingly agitated zombies.

Tom gets shot and chucked over a rail into the fountain (screaming all the way down of course) and two or three of his friends are wounded by gunfire and ripped into pieces in various ways leaving the majority of the gang to hightail it out of there.

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yeah yeah, argh agghhh, that’s nice but we just CAN’T miss anymore episodes of Ugly Betty!

One could argue that this is a damn good survival strategy, indeed there IS still a gang and they do STILL have a large amount of weaponry and vehicles, but tell that to the poor saps left with random organic bits sticking out of new orifices they didn’t know they needed and see how comforting they find it.

Basically, they had their fun, pissed about and had to pay for it with more than a plaque and some gift certificates to Ikea. Meanwhile, our survivors (on the whole) manage to fight their way through the recently fed zombies to the roof where their helicopter is waiting.

Then it’s a short up, up and away and there are two people to survive another day in the not so fun version of Zombieland. Jesse Eisenberg lied to us on that one, zombies really aren’t that much fun at all.

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Tell you a joke? Are you effing kidding me?

Just about every horror based zombie movie (yes there are non horror zombie movies out there, see above and Shaun of the Dead for two easy examples) features zombies as mindless creatures, barely any thought processes going on, much less the ability to understand or feel pain. They also have one thing on their mind, YOUR mind. And they want to nom on it like an anime character slurps down ramen.

Lastly there is the ever present ‘destroy the brain or remove the head’ thing. This is the ONLY way you can be sure of a quick, clean kill as opposed to one where zombie-infected blood flies everywhere (not a good time to be yawning) or one where a flaming zombie is lurching into a group of innocent people.

True, YOU may be able to get away, but can you handle letting other people take the bite for you? Some evil sod who’s taken advantage of the apocalypse, yes, he’s good to go. What about the guy you played poker with the other night? Still good? Well what if it was your kids? or siblings? The guy you knew since you were five years old?

No matter who it is, you or anybody else, if you don’t want to face up to the fact that these are monstrous creatures desperate to kill you then someone is going to die. It’s all fun and games until someone loses a limb.

So my advice would be to listen to those who have been more paranoid than you. Heed Max Books’ advice to stock up well, learn the rules of Zombieland and heed the talents showcased by Mr Romero.

You never know when it might save your life.

Hello world!

This blog is all about survival, no not drinking your own urine, get out of here Bear Grylls! It’s about surviving the things you may not expect, the zombie apocalypse, werewolves, the Jersey Devil and Mothman.

All the wee beasties that have been chilling under your bed just WAITING for you to stop checking. This will be a blog intended to help you fend off these vicious creatures and keep your sanity while doing so.

Because we all need a little help with the scary things sometimes. I just  picked the ones that amuse me.

 

Come on, you know you want to laugh!